Happiness at Its Peak

Written by : Dg Norfarini binti Datu Hassan (HM1114A)

“Depression is no longer my enemy, as it has become my best friend for a very long time.” I recall the words that I said to myself 7 years ago. I lay down on my dorm’s room as I was recalling the past and how far I have achieved to be who I am right now. I look up to the sky from my small windows, it looks so peaceful and it makes one’s heart to be at ease. “I wonder if life will be the same if I didn’t found my light.”  I say to myself while smiling at the sudden flashback of past memory.

I used to have an extreme depression ever since I entered high school. Guess it was puberty. However, on the second years of high school, I became more and more depressed. Unknowingly, without a legit reason I turned from once a cheerful kid into a quiet and emotionless being. I knew what I was experiencing was not just some puberty changes in a teenage girl’s body, it was something more than that. So I did my research and found out that I was experiencing some sort of a depressive disorder.

Well, I wasn’t surprised at all. I knew it all along however I whisper no word to a single soul. I did not even bother to talk to anyone about it, not even my parents. I shut myself from the outside world, I pushed my friends away and I hurt everyone who tried to break the walls that I built around my little world. My life was falling apart, it was slowly crumbling. I was turning into a monster, inhumane as I began to become emotionless and fell into the pit of darkness. However, that unplanned ‘event’ had changed my whole life forever.

It was summer when I was fifteen, the sun shone dimly and the cold morning breeze swept around my room through the opened windows. I was laying down peacefully on the floor, next to my bed. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and ended up curling up on the hard and cold floor. The sun’s ray hit the room and just a single spot was left in the dark, the spot where I was laying down. I was never fond with the light, be it the sun or the human-made lights. Well, it was probably just another effect from my ‘lack of expose in the sun’ throughout my high school years. My dad would sent me to school and when school’s over, he would picked me up with his usual antique Mercedes Benz.

That was how my life always been – the only time where I get to meet up and talk with my friends is when I’m in the school. My parents were pretty strict on letting me out without their supervision. I didn’t hate them for that, despite my lack of emotions and expression. I am still their filial daughter. I knew that they did it because they love me and worried that I might get myself hurt when I am out from their view. That was the one thing which I’m glad that I didn't lose when I caught myself in despair – my parents’ undying love.

I shrugged my thought off and it wasn’t long before I realized the sun was already up, it’s almost noon. I have been laying down for quite some time so I stood up and walked to the bathroom to take a shower. After some long and cold shower, I get dressed and went downstairs. I was greeted by my mom’s voice from the kitchen, “Oh honey, you’re up? Come, sit here. Breakfast’s done.” she said gleefully. I smiled as a response and settled down on the seat next to my dad who was reading the newspaper.

“So dear, don’t you have something to say to our lovely daughter here?” my mom said while nudging the side of my dad, signaling him to talk. “Something’s fishy.” I thought. I eyed them suspiciously and waited for an answer. “Ahem.” my dad coughed then he continued – “So your mom and I has planned to go to our hometown back in the Philippines and we were wondering if you would like to come along?” dad finished up his words with an anticipated face – well mom too.

There was a momentary silence before I decided to speak up. “Yeah I would love to.” I said while smiling genuinely to them. “It is decided then! We’re going tomorrow.” my mom clasped both of her hands in the air. “Wait a minute – what? You just told me that we’re going to the Philippines like one minute ago and now we’re off tomorrow? Unless – don’t tell me you guys already planned to drag me along even without my consent?” I said with a dim face. “You catch that pretty fast than I thought.” my mom chuckled innocently and ignored my question. I just sighed and finished up my breakfast since I knew that arguing with mom was no avail – she would be in the winning side.

The day passed by sooner than I thought and it was now time for our little vacation. I was waiting for my parents in the living room while they’re doing some last minute check-up on the house before we left. “Okay, everything’s ready, luggage, check, money, check, tickets and passports, check. What else? Oh! Doors and windows locked, check. Seems like we’re off to go!” my mom said while going down the stairs along with my dad who was carrying our luggage. My brother sent us to the jetty and we bid our goodbye there. The journey took around 12 hours using water transportation. I was asleep throughout the journey so I missed out many spectacular scenery or so said my mom. Well, i admitted it, I was rather disappointed to miss such opportunity to see the vast sea in such close-ups.

After some long haul trip, we finally reached the island where my parents’ were born and raised. It was amazing that no matter how many years had passed since they moved out from that small island to the big cities, they would still found some time to go back to where they belong. Upon arrival at the jetty there, we were greeted by smiling faces of my cousins, uncles and aunties. They were very welcoming and it would be rude of me if I didn’t return the favor. So I did. I smiled, like I never before. How I missed them. This wasn’t the first time I went to my parents’ hometown, I always came here to visit my grandma. Wait, grandma. Then reality hit me in the face, my grandma has already passed away. She passed away 2 years ago. “How could forget it?” I thought to myself. My face darkened and the warm smile plastered on my face faded away into a grim one.

“Hey what’s worng?” my mom noticed my sudden changes in mood. I looked at her with a teary eyes and said “Mom, grandma will never come back, will she?”. My mom froze in her spot when she heard that but then quickly covered it up and said “Don’t worry, your grandma is in a better place now. You have us here, me, dad, look even your aunties and uncles are here too! We are all here for you sweetheart. Don’t ever think that you’re alone cause you’re not. Yes, it was such a great loss but you know what? Your grandma once say this before I marry your dad, ‘When you have kids later, don’t ever leave their side and always, always be there for them. I can’t be there all the time to watch over my grandchildren but even when I’m gone, you must live on.’ That time I was too young to understand the real meaning behind it, but now I know. She was always thoughtful of others especially to her children. Raising 10 children alone after your grandpa’s death wasn’t easy but she never give up and so do you. Don’t give up on life just yet.” my mom said while tears rolling down to her cheeks. 

I was always a grandma's girl, from day one when I was born to the day she left me. I was always protected from harm and sorrow, never really knew what crying was till the day she passed away. Now I knew, the reason for all my sadness and emptiness this whole time. I was missing the warmth of the person I used to love even more than my parents. How naive I was to think that the society and the world that has changed me, but no it wasn’t. I was blinded by my emotions as I didn’t want to accept the harsh reality. I covered up my scars and buried down the memory of my grandma's death. It was all make sense now. I’m glad that I agreed to go to this vacation, I’m glad I have such supportive and understanding parents and I’m glad to have a family that will showers me with undying love no matter how awful and bad my personality turned into.

That day, I cried like there’s no tomorrow. I let out all the emotions that had been piling up inside me and decided it’s time to let go of the past. Throughout the vacation, my family never leave my side, each and every one of them tried their best to make me laughs, smile and happy like I was once before. I was overwhelmed by it. I spent my summer in the sunny and breezy weather of the Philippines with my cousins, playing in the beach like we used to when we were young and I must say this was the best time of my life ever since things started to become dark. I had found my light again. Life was starting to bloom into a beautiful flower. I put my hands on my chest and i could felt my heart beating fast, there's no emptiness anymore. I smiled, again for nth time. 

I think that if I haven’t gone to this vacation, I wouldn’t be able to move on. I would be stuck on being the usual emotionless girl who hides away from everyone and I would never learnt how beautiful life is at the other side of the world. There are things in life we don't want to happen, but have to accept; things we don't want to know, but have to learn, and people we can't live without, but have to let go.

“La vérité vaut bien qu’on passe quelques années sans la trouver”